Order of the Phoenix The Musical
by Indigo Ziona
Summary: PG because your parents will have heard of the songs! I revamp some classic rock and disco hits as well as the occasional Disney song for the musical version of Order of the Phoenix.
1. Overture and Act 1

**Disclaimer of Disclaimer:** The Disclaimer belongs to Fiction Alley. **Summary:** I revamp some classic rock and disco hits as well as the occasional Disney song for the musical version of Order of the Phoenix!  
**DISCLAIMER:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I have also used things from numerous sources - I don't want to give them away here so check the Author's note at the end (I don't own any of them either)  
**Author notes:** I was writing a lot of parodies around OotP, and thought it was about time I embarked upon this ambitious project :)  


**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**

The Musical

**OVERTURE**

_Chorus of Readers enter. They sing 'Carried away with a teenage wizard' to the tune of Mike Oldfield's 'Moonlight Shadow'._

**READERS: **The kids are stuck in to their reading  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
'More Harry Potter' they are pleading  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
Lost in a book on a Saturday night  
Far away into Volume 5  
They were still there reading by the morning's first light  
And we couldn't find how to push through  


The fans all gathered in the evening  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
Without HP5 they were not leaving  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
All we saw were the hordes and the queues  
Far away for a mile or five  
JK's new book had hit all the news  
And we couldn't find how to push through  


I plead, I need  
J.K. Rowling's new book to read  
I plead, I need  
J.K. Rowling's book to read  


Four a.m. in the morning  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
I read this book to the day's dawning  
Carried away with a teenage wizard  
Kids all waiting for the 21st  
Far away into Volume 5  
For Harry now they quench their thirst  
And we couldn't find how to push through  


I plead, I need  
J.K. Rowling's new book to read  
I plead, I need  
J.K. Rowling's book to read  


Caught in the middle of the rush for book 5  
The shop was heaving and the shelves were alive  
But we couldn't find how to push through  


Carried away by a teenage wizard  
Carried away by a teenage wizard  
Far away into Volume 5  
And we couldn't find how to push though...  


_They trail off. Enter Narrator._

**NARRATOR: **On the twenty-first day of the month of June, in a year of a decade not too long before our own, Harry Potter suddenly encountered a deadly threat to his very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced - as such enemies often do - in a graveyard. Yes indeed, this enemy was rather pathetically unimaginative.

_Enter three of the chorus of Readers._

**READER: **Hey, what if they've never read any Harry Potter before? Why are we doing a Musical of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?

**NARRATOR: **Because filks of the other books have been done to death, so you'll just have to do the story so far.

_The readers sing the story so far to the tune of 'It's a Jolly Holiday with Mary' from 'Mary Poppins.'_

**READERS: **Ain't Harry Potter so grand?  
Best wizard in the land  
And you should see him fly  
Have you ever seen his eyes so green?  
But we'll watch them cry, for...  


It's a crappy holiday for Harry  
Harry's feeling really down  
Under all the burdens he must carry  
Harry has to wear a frown  
Misery is evident around him  
He hasn't even got his Mum and Dad!  
He's back at Privet Drive, though still alive  
Only letters with no news arrive  
Oh it's a crappy holiday for Harry,  
No wonder that poor Harry's feeling mad!  


Now then, Harry is sad  
Really quite hopping mad  
The reason you will see  
Ignored by everyone  
It can't be fun  
It's complete misery...  


**NARRATOR: **Honestly, this is just a song about Harry moping, you've not included any of the back history at all.

**READERS:** It's sort of hard to do that in one song you know.

**NARRATOR: **It's all we've got, so you'd better be quick about it.

**READERS: **Right you are - it's true that...

_A Dick van Dyke moment! To the 'tune' of the spoken verse._

... Harry beat Voldemort, went to Hogwarts  
Was dismal in potions and so good at sports  
Ron is his best pal, so is Hermione  
But his oafish cousin could not be called Tiny  
Malfoy is mean and Snape has a sneer  
Professor Trelawney is not Germaine Greer  
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs  
Should all be found worthy to have their own songs  
Ginny is bashful, and Cedric is dead  
And Dobby the House Elf turns up on his bed  
Now Voldemort's back, soon to attack  
And Harry wants to hear from Sirius Black  


But now he's back at Privet Drive, though still alive  
Only letters with no news arrive  
Oh it's a crappy holiday for Harry,  
No wonder that poor Harry's feeling mad!  


**ACT ONE**

**Scene 1: **_Harry is lying in the garden, looking up wistfully to the sky. He starts to sing._

**HARRY: **Whe-e-e-e-ere is love? Does it fall from skiiiies a-

_Dudley appears suddenly and punches him with a begloved hand._

**HARRY: **Hey! You're not even meant to be in this scene!

**DUDLEY: **I'm saving the audience from this song. Look, I have a scene next, and frankly it's much better.

**HARRY: **Dudley, the show has only just begun, it's a little soon for romantic irony.

**DUDLEY: **Huh?

**HARRY: **You know, all that 'it's only a play' stuff.

**DUDLEY: **Can we just skip to my scene now?

**HARRY: **Sure, why not? I love to hear you scream like a girl.

_Enter Dementors. Spooky background music. Chorus of readers start clicking. (To the tune of the Addams Family)_

**READERS:** They make you feel so crappy  
They suck out all your happy  
You wish you had a nappy  
When Dementors are nearby 

_Dudley looks freaked, Harry pulls out his wand._

**READERS: **Perhaps you should not grab it  
You'll do illegal magic  
It really is so tragic  
When Dementors are nearby...

**HARRY: **Take this, Dementor scum! _Expecto Patronum!_

_There is a puff of smoke. The Dementors vanish, and when the smoke clears, we see an old lady holding a stuffed cat._

**MRS. FIGG: **Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble...

**HARRY:** Mrs. Figg! You're a witch!

**MRS. FIGG: **No dear, that's a quote from Macbeth. I'm not a witch, Sirius Black's ex-girlfriend, an Auror, a much younger woman in disguise or your future Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. I'm actually a Squib you know, much to the disappointment of hordes of fanfiction writers. I'm going to kill Mundungus Fletcher!

**HARRY: **I've heard that name.

**MRS. FIGG: **Yes, yer daft apeth, and so we can get this canon point that hordes of readers worked out years ago out of the way, you might notice that I'm _Arabella_ Figg. Dumbledore mentioned me. Still, never been quick on the uptake, have we?

**HARRY: **Er...

**MRS. FIGG: **There, you see? For heaven's sake boy, the chorus of readers have been calling me Arabella for the last three years. Now, let's get you home...

**Scene 2**: _The Dursleys'. A Ministry Owl has entered._

_(To the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)_

**HARRY: **Voldemort's come back

It is no fantasy

Now there's dementors

Swooping round the vicinity

**VERNON:** What do you mean? Valumart who?

**HARRY: **You see...

**MINISTRY OWL: **Harry's a bad boy, give him no sympathy

Because he cast a spell, naughty boy

That wand of yours, not a toy

Any kind of magic

Is strictly forbidden

To you, to you.

**PETUNIA: ** Dudley, what's up with you?

You look dazed in the head

Was it something you were fed?

**DUDLEY: **Mama, it was my cousin

He pulled his sparkly stick out at me

Mama, oooh, heard voices in my brain

Felt like I'd be sad always forever

**HARRY: **Dementors, dementors, it was not my doing.

**VERNON: **You boy, what have you done?

You have bewitched my son, you must see it come undone

**PETUNIA: **Vernon, Dementors here!

That awful boy had spoke about them once.

**DUDLEY: **Mama, oooh, I don't want to die!

**PETUNIA: **Those awful things have hurt my poor Duddy!

_More owls swoop in during the guitar solo, until it begins to resemble Hitchcock's 'The Birds'._

**MINISTRY OWL: **You are expelled for an illegal spell

**ARTHUR'S OWL: **Harry boy, Harry boy, don't surrender your wand up

Do not do more magic, do not leave your aunt's house please!

Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumbledore will sort it out

**HARRY: **Sort it how?

You think I'm a bad boy, done something naughty

**SIRIUS'S OWL: **You're in trouble now, stay with your family

**VERNON: **No more owls, it's a monstrosity!

Easy come, easy go, you will have to go

**MINISTRY OWL:** A hearing!

**HARRY: **No! I refuse to go!

**VERNON: **You will go!

**MINISTRY OWL:** A hearing!

**HARRY: **No! I refuse to go!

**VERNON: **You will go!

**MINISTRY OWL:** A hearing!

**HARRY: **No! I refuse to go!

**VERNON: **You will go!

**HARRY: **I refuse to go

**VERNON: **You will go!

**HARRY: **I refuse to go

**VERNON: **You will go!

**HARRY: **I won't go, I won't go!

**VERNON: **No no no no no no no! You're a weirdo, you're a weirdo, you're a weirdo, you will go. 

**PETUNIA: **A Howler's come, and it looks like it's addressed to me, to me, to meeee!

_(During the next guitar solo, Vernon attempts to shove Harry out of the door and Petunia stared bewilderedly at the letter.)_

**VERNON: **So you think you can come here, endanger our lives?

So you think you're no trouble to my son and my wife?

**HOWLER: **No, Petunia! Remember my last, Petunia!

**HARRY:** What's all this mean, letters to my Muggle aunt?

_(Another guitar solo!)_

**PETUNIA: **Harry has to stay

**VERNON: **What do you mean, dear?

**PETUNIA: **Harry has to stay, Harry has to stay right here...

**HARRY: **Any explanations?

_The Dursleys march off determinedly. The scene goes dark and Harry looks a tad depressed._

**Scene 3:** _Harry's bedroom. There is a knock on the door._

**VERNON: **We're off to be poncey and middle-class. Don't touch anything. We don't want your wizard germs going places and turning us into weirdoes like you.

**HARRY: **Charming.

_There are stomping noises to indicate that he has left._

_Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, Nymphadora "Don't call me Nymphadora" Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Elphias Doge, Dedalus Diggle, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore and Hestia Jones enter on the darkened stage right. Suddenly the lights come up and reveal them to be wearing cheesy sixties gear. Inevitably (this is a musical, after all!) they start to sing._

_(To the tune of the Monkees TV theme)_

**ALL: **Here we come sneakin'  
In the house  
We must try to be quiet  
Not to wake a mouse  
  
Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!  
We frighten all Death Eaters around!  
We get happy jinxing  
And kicking Dark Magic down...  
  
We go in stealth where we want to  
Do what we like to do  
With our constant vigilatin'  
There's always something new

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!  
We frighten all Death Eaters around!  
We get happy jinxing  
And kicking Dark Magic down...

We're just tryin' to be careful  
Come and watch us curse our foes  
We hate all Death Eaters  
As everybody knows

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!  
We frighten all Death Eaters around!  
We get happy jinxing  
And kicking Dark Magic down...

Hey, hey, we're the Aurors!  
You never know where we'll be found  
So you'd better get ready  
We may be comin' to your town

**HARRY: **What's that? Cheesy sixties music in the living room? Burglars!

_Remus slams open the door to his room._

**HARRY: **Aren't you a little short for a burglar? 

**REMUS: **I'm Remus Lupin. I've come to rescue you.

**MOODY: **Enough references to Scar Warts! There is work to be done. Introduce Harry to the gang so we can get the sniggering over Tonks's name done with, and then... to Grimmauld Place!

_(To the tune of 'We gotta get out of this place' by the Animals.)_

In this quiet old part of the suburbs  
Where they don't say magic's name  
Aurors say there ain't no use explaining 

Now my boy, you're young and lively  
But I now must caution you  
You'll be dead if you aren't careful too 

If we die you keep a-flying  
You must live another day  
The rear guard are waiting to fly away  
Oh yes, I know it.

(Yeah!) The rear guard are waiting  
(Yeah!) We'll be flying too, Harry  
(Yeah!) Let us fly away  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah!)

We gotta get to Grimmauld Place  
If it's the last thing we ever do  
We gotta get to Grimmauld Place  
The Order of the Phoenix is waiting for you

_They mount brooms as the song repeats, the scene goes dark and they all have Disillusionment charms, which makes them all disappear and turn into blacklight skeletons._

**HARRY: **Um, this charm is very impressive, but won't they notice a lot of luminous skeletons in the sky?

**REMUS:** It's all right, they need blacklights to see it.

**TONKS: **By the way, the name's Nymphadora Tonks, don't call me Nymphadora or I'll decapitate you, and I can do funky shape-shifting things like Mystique in _X-men_.

**MOODY: **We gotta get to Grimmauld Place  
If it's the last thing we ever do  
We gotta get to Grimmauld Place  
The Order of the Phoenix is waiting for you

_They fly away at last._

_End of Act One_

**Author notes:** Citations etc: Moonlight Shadow belongs to Mike Oldfield. The introduction is parodied from Little Shop of Horrors. Jolly Holiday belongs to the Sherman Brothers and Disney. Where is Love is from Oliver. The Addams Family Theme Tune is from the Addams Family, duh. "Double, double, toil and trouble" is from Macbeth. Bohemian Rhapsody is by Queen. The name "Valumart" comes from Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody, an actual published work of fanfiction (well, a parody). "Sparkly stick" is a reference to Fyrie's Chronicles of Lucius. The Monkees TV Theme belongs to the Monkees and whoever wrote it. "Aren't you a little short… I'm here to rescue you" comes from Star Wars. We gotta get out of this place belongs to the Animals, I think. The X-men belong to someone or other.


	2. Act 2

**ACT TWO** **Scene 1****:** _Outside Number 12, Grimmauld Place._ **HARRY****:** What's the Order of the…  
**REMUS****:** Ssssh! Now read this…  
**HARRY****:** The Order of the Phoenix is located…  
**MOODY****:** Silently!  
**HARRY****:** Oh, sorry. _They take off their skeleton costumes. Magically, a house appears in front of them. The door opens to reveal a place that looks like it was designed by a Goth who'd won the lottery._ **HARRY****:** If I didn't know better, I'd think the author had cracked and put us in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
_(Enter author)_  
**AUTHOR****:** Oooh, Time Warp parody! Great idea!  
_(Exit author)_  
**HARRY****:** Who the Hell was that?  
**REMUS****:** Harry, why so hostile?  
_(Enter J.K. Rowling)_  
**J. K. ROWLING****:** He's turning into a moody teenager.  
_ (Exit J.K. Rowling)_  
**MOODY****:** Hey, don't take my name in vain.  
**TONKS****:** I think I just saw God…   
_ (Enter J.K. Rowling)_  
**J. K. ROWLING****:** Oh great, make the fundies hate me even more, why don't you…  
_ (Exit J.K. Rowling)_ _They go into the house. Some very cheerful looking people run through._ **MOLLY****:** Hi Harry, nice to see you, have you been eating properly, dinner soon, must dash, follow me, fellow Order members… _(She runs out, the others start to follow)_  
**RANDOM ORDER MEMBERS****:** Hello there – to the meeting, jolly good fun. _(Exeunt R.O.Ms)_  
**HARRY****:** Oh, er – right.  
_Enter Ron and Hermione._  
**HERMIONE****:** Harry! Let's have a group hug!  
**RON****:** And do some manly bonding!  
**HARRY****:** Great… Er, why didn't you send me any news?  
_Ron and Hermione look uncomfortable._  
**RON AND HERMIONE****:** _(in unison)_ Dumbledore made us swear…  
**HARRY****:** Oh, right.  
_He silently fumes._  
**HERMIONE****:** (tentatively) How are you?  
**RON****:** We don't know very much, honestly.  
**HERMIONE****:** And Dumbledore knows what's best.  
**RON****:** And he did have members of the Order of the Phoenix – Anti-Voldemort league type thing – trailing you.  
**HARRY****:** Oh fantastic, I'm being treated like a small child.  
**HERMIONE****:** I suppose you're mad.  
**HARRY****:** I'm mad.  
**RON****:** How mad?  
**HERMIONE****:** (nervously) Not Sex Pistols mad?  
**RON****:** Please tell me you're not Alanis Morrisette mad. _(To the tune of 'Get Over It' by the Eagles)_  
**HARRY****:** I wander around, and what do I see?  
A load of Dementors coming straight for me  
I'm getting no response from everybody else  
Not getting news that you're keeping to yourselves  
Dumbledore this, Dumbledore that  
Being pursued by Mrs. Figg's cat!  
  
I'm tired of it!  
I'm tired of it!  
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit  
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!  
  
You know I fought through a great maze and faced Voldemort alone  
And I went and saved the Philosopher's Stone  
The more I think about it, I've saved both your skins  
I thought you were loyal, but Dumbledore wins  
You're all having fun, you never sent me an owl  
But Dumbledore could have told me somehow!  
  
I'm tired of it!  
I'm tired of it!  
All this leaving me out, I don't like it a bit!  
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!  
  
All I hear are lame excuses every time I hear you speak  
Hedwig had enough of your 'Order' clique  
Over your hands, marks of her beak  
  
You know nothing much but more than me  
You're telling me none, our headmaster's decree  
Followed without knowing, and then left in the dark  
Got suspended from school saving Dudley in the park  
You're cosy living here, I had to wait and stew  
I got rescued in the end but that's no thanks to you  
  
I'm tired of it!  
I'm tired of it!  
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit  
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it.  
  
I'm tired of it!  
I'm tired of it!  
If you lot don't want me, then why don't I quit?  
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!  
  
**HERMIONE****:** Well thank goodness for that, the Eagles are pretty good.  
**RON****:** Who are the Eagles?  
**HERMIONE****:** It would have been funnier if you'd asked 'Who are the Beatles?'  
**RON****:** Who?  
**HERMIONE****:** The moment's passed now.  
**MRS. BLACK****:** Mudbloods! Half-breeds! Monkey excrement!  
**HARRY****:** Er…  
**HERMIONE****:** Great, someone's woken her up.  
**HARRY****:** Who?  
**HERMIONE****:**The portrait… _(To the tune of 'Beautiful Neighbourhood' by Space)_  
**HARRY****:** Who lives in a house like this?  
Who lives in a house like this?  
  
Holding up the candles are silver snakes  
Sneak through the hall before the portrait awakes  
For that painting on the wall has gone truly insane  
Always has to shout to keep the Mudbloods out  
  
******RON & HERMIONE****:** The Order's found the place  
They want to stay awhile  
In the Most Ancient House of Black  
  
_(Enter Kreacher)_  
**KREACHER****:** There's a tapestry with all the family on  
Most of them are dead and some of them gone  
Some didn't follow the family trade  
So Mrs. Black went crazy, blew their image away  
  
******RON** & **HERMIONE****:** The Order's found the place  
They want to stay awhile  
In the Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
  
**HARRY****:** Who lives in a house like this?  
Who lives in a houre like this?  
  
**RON****:** There's a mad House Elf who's skilled in stealth  
He should be put down for the good of his health  
He's happiest under his mistress's wrath  
If he's lucky he'll get his head chopped off  
  
**HERMIONE****:** Ron!  
  
**RON****:** The Order's found the place  
They want to stay awhile  
In the Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
  
_(Enter Sirius)_  
**SIRIUS****:** We want to strip it down  
And get the Doxies out  
But we will all be hindered  
While that House Elf's about  
  
**KREACHER****:** In the Ancient House of Black  
You're not welcome at all  
Please leave your corpse   
Neatly stacked in the Hall  
  
**ALL****:** The Order's found the place  
They want to stay awhile  
In the Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
(The Noble and the Ancient)  
Most Ancient House of Black  
  
_(Exeunt Ron and Hermione and Kreacher)_  
  
**SIRIUS****:** Hello Harry.  
**HARRY****:** Sirius!  
**NARRATOR****:** Harry was to learn that this was Sirius's house, which had belonged to his mad mother, who is, incidentally, the woman in the portrait. Sirius's family are all mad dark wizards and his brother was a Death Eater. He's also related to the Malfoys, the Lestranges, and Tonks.   
**SIRIUS****:** Do you mind?  
**NARRATOR****:** The readers probably gave up hope on clever dialogue ages ago.  
_Fred and George Apparate in._  
******FRED** & **GEORGE****:** Wahey! Where were we when you were off getting introductions to the house?  
**FRED****:** Having fun thinking up cool products, nudge nudge wink wink.  
**GEORGE****:** They were probably hoping for a reprise of Prankster's Paradise.  
**AUTHOR****:** Shameless plug.  
**HARRY****:** You passed your Apparation tests, didn't you?  
**AUTHOR****:** Noooooooooooooooo! Apparation is not a word! Look it up in a bloody dictionary!!! The word is Apparition, dammit! _(The author collapses into sobs)_  
**MOLLY****:** Dinner, everyone! Mundungus, put that horrible thing out. Bill, stop acting cool. Arthur, you can play with your Hornby train set later. Hermione, no reading at the table. Ginny, practice your karate after dinner. Remus, comb your face. Sirius, don't stand there looking black. Fred, George, walk to the table, don't Apparate. It's not like your brothers did it, not even that little snit I'm not going to mention. Ron, tuck your shirt in. Tonks, don't pull that face at me. Harry, get here and eat, you look starved!  
_Enter Trelawney._  
**TRELAWNEY****:** Remember! Remember my prediction in Harry's third year! The first one to rise from a table of thirteen will be the first to die…  
_Enter Trelawney's chorus of mystics._  
**TRELAWNEY****:** I always wanted my own group of backing singers. Of course, I'll hopefully appear with my own Kate Bush number later, but here goes. _(To the tune of 'Don't fear the Reaper' by the Blue Oyster Cult, which was covered by the Goo Goo Dolls apparently)_  
******TRELAWNEY** & CHORUS**:** Time for dinner now…  
_Everyone sits down._  
******TRELAWNEY** & CHORUS**:** Take a look around  
Seating thirteen at dinner  
The first of them to rise will die  
Watch out for this omen…  
  
Watch out readers (thirteen at dinner)  
Take a look and see (thirteen at dinner)  
Someone's going to die (thirteen at dinner)  
Who will it be?  
La la la la la, la la la la la.  
  
First to rise will die  
No point trying to hide  
Could a Weasley be the first?  
Lupin or Hermione (Could a Weasley be the first?)  
Sirius Black and Mundungus (or will that young Tonks be the first)  
Ginny or Ron or Bill - could be (who will rise the first?)  
Or twins Fred and George, will they be (watch out for this omen)  
  
Watch out readers (thirteen at dinner)  
Take a look and see (thirteen at dinner)  
Someone's going to die (thirteen at dinner)  
Who will it be?  
La la la la la, la la la la la.  
  
_During the instrumental the characters around the table talk._  
**MUNDUNGUS****:** Have some toads, fell off the back of a Portkey…  
_Fred and George snigger._  
**MOLLY****:** More! Eat more! I must have you all fat so I can ea- er, so you're healthy!  
**SIRIUS****:** So why haven't you asked about Voldemort?  
**UMBRIDGE****:** Detention!  
**SIRIUS****:** Er… not your scene yet.  
**UMBRIDGE****:** Sorry…  
**HARRY****:** I have asked. I asked Ron and Hermione…  
**MOLLY****:** But he isn't to know anything.  
**SIRIUS****:** Harry has a right to know what's been going on.  
**GEORGE****:** What about us? We want to know too!  
******RON** & **HERMIONE****:** And us!  
**GINNY****:** And me!  
**FRED****:** We've been demanding to know things but you say it's because we're not in the Order!  
**MOLLY****:** No one's to know anything!  
**REMUS****:** Harry should at least have a general picture of the facts.  
**MOLLY****:** I have Harry's best interests at heart.  
**SIRIUS****:** Harry isn't your son.  
**MOLLY****:** He's as good as. Who else has he got?  
**SIRIUS****:** Me?  
**MOLLY****:** The Azkaban jailbird?  
**SIRIUS****:** _(angrily)_ Well if that's what you think…  
_He starts to rise. Readers gasp. Freeze scene._  
  
**TRELAWNEY****:** He that rises dies  
No point trying to hide  
They were having arguments  
And it was clear that he had to stand up  
Then the meal was over and the future clear  
It was clear Sirius's death was near  
Mourn all you who hold him dear (don't doubt my words)  
Watch out readers (his death is near)  
He has risen now (readers, say goodbye)  
So look to him and say goodbye (watch out for this omen)  
He rose from his chair (watch out for this omen)  
Watch out readers – thirteen at dinner…  
  
**REMUS****:** Sit down Sirius. _(He does)_  
_Sighs of relief all round._  
**READER****:** Well, considering there were thirteen at Harry's table in Goblet of Fire, and Cedric didn't rise first, I think we can safely ignore this one.  
**OTHER ****READER**S**:** Great idea.  
**MOLLY****:** All right, everyone who's not in the Order and not called Harry Potter, get out.  
******FRED** & **GEORGE****:** We're of age!  
**MOLLY****:** Are you? I thought you were only seventeen.  
**FRED****:** Don't ask me – it's what it says in the script.  
**MOLLY****:** All right, you can stay, but only because J.K. Rowling said so.  
**RON****:** There you go, bringing God into it again.  
_(Enter JKR)_  
**JKR****:** Stop making the Fundies hate me!  
_(Exit JKR)_  
**RON****:** Hermione and I have to stay, since Harry will tell us everything anyway!  
**GINNY****:** Great, pick on the little girl.  
_(Exit Ginny, raging and storming)_  
**NARRATOR****:** The members of the Order told Harry a lot, such as Dumbledore being discredited and Voldemort not having done anything at all. The amount of new information they conveyed was quite disappointing. Damn grown-ups.  
  
**Scene 2****:** _Outside the Ministry of Magic._ **HARRY****:** Dumbledore came last night and didn't want to talk to me. Woe is me.  
**ARTHUR****:** Your hearing's with Amelia Bones. She's nice.  
**HARRY****:** Where's the Ministry of Magic, then?  
**ARTHUR****:** In the telephone box.  
**HARRY****:** Who do you think I am, Doctor Who?  
**ARTHUR****:** Ah, Doctor Who, fantastic Muggle series… Sylvester McCoy was my favourite… The Curse of Fenric was wonderful… Blah blah blah Tardis, blah blah blah green stuff, blah blah daleks, blah blah blah…  
**HARRY****:** Why did I mention it?  
  
_(To the tune of 'Hotel California' by the Eagles… yes, more Eagles. I love them.)_  
**ARTHUR:** In an old London phonebox, a dirty old street  
Pick up the receiver, will you please be discreet?  
I will dial up the number, six two four four two  
That spells 'magic' as I hoped you'd guess – now we'll hear what to do  
  
**HARRY:** As if she's standing beside us, I hear a woman's words  
And now I'm thinking to myself; we can hear her but can we be heard?  
We give our name and business and she tells us the way  
I feel like I'm heading to my doom, but I heard her say…  
  
**FEMALE VOICE:** Welcome to the Ministry of Magic  
Please state your name, and why you came  
Submit to a search at the Ministry of Magic  
Please enjoy your stay, have a pleasant day  
  
**HARRY:** Now we're in a great hallway, I got a butterfly tum  
There are statues made of polished gold in this atrium  
How they stand looking noble, bright water jets  
Coins go to St. Mungo's, I must not forget  
  
So security checked me, "Please show us your wand"  
I said, "Had it since my eleventh year, I feel we have a bond."  
And still that voice is sounding that wracks my brain  
Get in a lift to see Madam Bones, and 'she's' there again…  
  
**FEMALE VOICE:** Welcome to the Ministry of Magic  
Please select the floor that you came here for  
For your business here at the Ministry of Magic  
Go to Level Two, where they wait for you  
  
**HARRY:** Windows showing sunlight, Aurors gathered round  
**ARTHUR:** Let's go to my office now before we're Hearing-bound  
**PERKINS:** Go to the tenth courtroom, they changed Potter's trial  
**ARTHUR:** Hurry now we must get there soon and the trip takes awhile  
  
**HARRY:** Now it's time for my hearing, I am going to my doom  
I wish I knew the verdict due from this old courtroom  
"Good luck Harry," he says, "Wish I could do more."  
But I'm not feeling all too good as I walk through the door…  
  
_Harry walks into the courtroom._  
  
_End of Act Two._ _Author notes: Citations and thank yous: Get Over It and Hotel California belong to the Eagles. Beautiful Neighbourhood belongs to Space. Gangsta's Paradise belongs to Coolio. Don't Fear the Reaper belongs to the Blue Oyster Cult. J.K. Rowling belongs to herself. Someone on the Green Flame Torch noticed the Thirteen at Dinner thing, not me, alas. Doctor Who and related indicia belong to the BBC and Sylvester McCoy. J.K. Rowling is not God for anyone but the characters of Harry Potter. If anyone has any ideas for a scene/song to be parodied (and you don't want it yourself) please mention it in your review. Thanks to **isadora quagmire** (Little Shop of Horrors rocks :D), **SummerRainForever** (*hugs* your presence is always welcome), **Lanc** (glad you like it, hope you enjoyed this chapter), **Neytari Took** (yes, my musical taste centres mostly around the seventies, so be pre-warned :) ), and **LIWY** (hehe, yes I know I'm strange and I'm glad you find me funny)._


	3. Act 3

_Whenever I say the words "to the tune of" the song that follows isn't mine!_  
**Author notes:** Sorry about the delay in getting this up - university is stealing my life away... And I actually wrote this ages ago, but embarrassingly forgot all about it. I don't think many of you will recognise the first song, but it is really good if you can get hold of it... what's more there's the sound of someone coming into the courtroom at the beginning, which provides some useful sound effects. Speaking of which, the Gilbert and Sullivan version of the trial is now up on ffn... Trial by Wizengamot! Thanks to everyone who's reviewed that - you are stars. If you want to read it, it's on my profile :D**ACT THREE****Scene 1:** The courtroom.**FUDGE:** You're late.   
**HARRY:** But I didn't know the time had been changed…   
**FUDGE:** (To the tune of The Trial, from Pink Floyd's The Wall)   
Good morning, Wizengamot   
The records plainly show   
The 'Boy-Who-Lived' who stands before you   
Was caught red-handed doing magic,   
Doing magic of an almost adult nature!   
This will not do.   
  
**HARRY:** But I…   
  
**FUDGE:** Call the Interrogators!   
  
**UMBRIDGE:** I always said he'd be no hero   
In the end, Your Honour.   
This boy has broken laws before,   
He could have let secrets escape.   
All those times he's lied   
The paranoia-mongers   
Let him get away with murder   
Let us judge him right today…   
  
**FUDGE:** Crazy,   
Everyone loves him, they are crazy,   
Don't they read Skeeter?   
This boy's a danger, we must put him away   
  
**WIZENGAMOT:** Crazy,   
Everyone loves him, they are crazy!   
  
**UMBRIDGE:** You little git, you've done it now,   
I hope they throw away the key.   
You should've not made that Patronus when you did,   
But no! You had to play the hero.   
Have you started any rumours lately?   
He'll lie before us now, Your Honour,   
Don't leave him alone.   
  
**HARRY:** But there were…   
  
**FUDGE:** Booooooooooy!   
In front of Muggles, Potter,   
You could have done such harm,   
This is not the first time that you've got into such trouble   
A fully-fledged Patronus   
Wizengamot, he wants our cover blown.   
  
**WIZENGAMOT:** Crazy,   
Say he hears voices, he is crazy –   
Bars at his window.   
He ought to get his own Azkaban cell,   
To lock him in…   
  
**FUDGE:** Crazy, says he hears voices, he is crazy…   
  
**UMBRIDGE:** The evidence before the court is incontravertible,   
Now let's just get Dumbledore to retire.   
In all my years of living I have never heard before   
Of a brat more deserving of the breaking of this law   
Oh Skeeter mades us suffer   
Tales of your poor dead mother   
You fill me with an ever-growing hate!   
  
**FUDGE:** Since, my boy, you have revealed your weakness clear   
I sentence you…   
  
_The music stops. Enter Dumbledore._   
  
**DUMBLEDORE:** Hello, did I miss anything?   
_Harry puts his head in his hands._   
  
**FUDGE:** Ah, Dumbledore… What a pleasant surprise…   
**DUMBLEDORE:** Why? You knew I was coming.   
**FUDGE:** Er… Well. Dolores and I were just rehearsing our little duet for a production of _West Side Story_ while we were waiting for you to arrive…   
**DUMBLEDORE:** Good good. Well, don't let me keep you.   
**FUDGE:** Well, shall we begin?   
**DUMBLEDORE:** And since this is a comedy musical, let's try something more cheery that that prog rock I've caught you listening to, Cornelius. How about some _Grease_?   
_He waves his wand. Before Fudge can stop him, the opening bars to 'Summer Nights' from Grease start playing, and Fudge starts singing._   
**FUDGE:** Doing magic – the boy has a past.   
**HARRY:** Saw Dementors, happened so fast.   
**DUMBLEDORE:** I have a witness, as you can see   
**FUDGE:** You have a Squib's testimony   
Muggles see – breaks our decree   
**ALL:** Breaking magical law   
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…   
  
**BONES:** Tell me more, tell me more, did your charm have a shape?   
**UMBRIDGE:** Tell me more, tell me more, why'd they let him escape?   
  
**FIGG:** Dementors running – gave me a fright   
**BONES:** Dementors running – glided, more like   
**HARRY:** I saved his life – he was nearly kissed   
**FUDGE:** This story's flaws could not be missed   
Dementors loose? Cooked your own goose   
**ALL:** Breaking magical law   
Well-uh well-uh well-uh   
  
**UMBRIDGE:** Tell me more, tell me more, lie some more if you dare…   
**DUMBLEDORE:** Tell me more, tell me more, were they ordered right there?   
  
**FUDGE:** No Dementors are out of control   
**HARRY:** Those Dementors could have got my soul   
**DUMBLEDORE:** They're all loyal to 'You know who'   
**FUDGE:** We'll have no more nonsense from you!   
You're deranged – and laws can be changed   
**ALL:** Breaking magical law   
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…   
  
**DUMBLEDORE:** Tell me more, tell me more, why'd you have a full trial?   
**FUDGE:** Tell me more, tell me more, have you not seen Potter's file?   
  
**DUMBLEDORE:** You have a witness – the truth can be found   
**FUDGE:** We have a witness – but she isn't sound   
**BONES:** I will ask her – question some more   
**UMBRIDGE:** You know this Squib – she's such a bore   
She's so fake, it makes my head ache   
**ALL:** Breaking magical law   
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…   
  
**BONES:** Tell me more, tell me more, these Dementors, how tall?   
**FUDGE:** Tell me more, tell me more, can you see them at all?   
  
**FIGG:** It turned colder, this warm summer night   
Shivering shoulders – misery, fright   
**FUDGE:** It sounds false – made-up somehow   
**BONES:** It sounds true – what to do now…   
**ALL:** Dementors loose gives an excuse for breaking magical law…   
Tell me more, tell me more!   
  
**DUMBLEDORE:** Now come along, I have an appointment at the manicurist's. What's the verdict? All those who say Harry Potter gets let off raise your hands.   
_Many hands go up._   
**DUMBLEDORE:** All those who say Harry Potter doesn't get let off, the Pope isn't Catholic and Dolores Umbridge is a sex goddess, raise your hands now.   
_Fudge and Umbridge resolutely raise their hands._   
**FUDGE:** Cleared of all charges. The last laugh will be mine, Dumbledore   
**UMBRIDGE:** You may have won the battle – but not the war!   
**FUDGE:** I could have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling Squibs!   
**UMBRIDGE:** I'll get you next time Potter – next time!   
  
**Scene 2:** Outside the courtroom.   
  
**ARTHUR:** So, were you…   
**HARRY:** Cleared of all charges…   
**ARTHUR:** Oh no – I lose those ten Galleons at the betting office – but congratulations Harry!   
**LUCIUS:** Oh hello. Allow me to taunt you Potter. You can wriggle out of problems. How snakelike. And Arthur Weasley. You're poor.   
**ARTHUR:** Yes, well, you may be rich, powerful, sexy and have a really stylish cane – but I have one thing you don't.   
**LUCIUS:** And what is that?   
**ARTHUR:** A Hornby train set!   
_Harry and Arthur march off into the distance._   
  
**Scene 3:** 12 Grimmauld Place.   
  
_Fred, George and Ginny are dancing around the table, and singing to the tune of 'New York, New York'._   
  
**FRED, GEORGE, GINNY:** Start spreading the news – Harry's a free guy   
He will still be a part of it – Hogwarts, Hogwarts   
You Ministry dudes – we spit in your eye   
Escape – he's made an art of it! Hogwarts, Hogwarts!   
  
He's going to wake up, in the school where portraits sleep   
Harry the boy-who-survived – the Seeker to keep!   
  
He never can lose – just look at him fly   
He could never be apart from it, that old Hogwarts   
If he can do his OWLs, he'll do it all somehow   
It's up to you, Hogwarts, Hogwarts!   
  
**HARRY:** My scar is burning.   
**RON:** Stop being depressing while we're celebrating for you. That's just selfish. Besides, bet Dumbledore will turn up.   
**MOLLY:** Doubt it.   
  
**FRED, GEORGE, GINNY:** These old hearing blues… are melting away…   
**MOLLY:** Oh shut up, I don't even like Frank Sinatra.   
  
**Caption: Several days later**   
  
**RON:** Hogwarts letters have arrived. Funny how mine feels all heavy with a big chunky badge-like thing in it. Maybe they're sending me a late birthday card.   
**HARRY:** _(taking his)_ Thanks.   
_Ron takes out his letter._   
**RON:** Dear Ronald Weasley, blah blah blah, term starts, blah, cheese, blah blah blah, you've been made a prefect, blah blah mayonnaise… Wait a second.   
**FRED:** Prefect?   
**GEORGE:** You yankin' my crank?   
**HERMIONE:** I'm a prefect! Yay! Yay yay yay!   
**ALL:** Shut up Hermione.   
_(Enter Molly)_ **MOLLY:** Pyjamas! We must talk about pyjamas!   
**FRED:** Ron's a prefect.   
**MOLLY:** But pyjamas, Fred… Oh. Well allow me to be all motherly and pukeworthy…   
_The spotlight falls on Harry – having deep existential angst. He sings to the tune of Queen's 'We are the champions'._   
**HARRY:** We've broken rules, time after time   
I've been to a hearing, but committed no crime   
And our housepoints, I've won a few   
I had to navigate around a great maze   
But I've come through   
  
Ron is a prefect – no fair   
I've been in a basilisk's lair   
Ron is a prefect   
Ron is a prefect   
I feel such a loser   
'Cause Ron is a prefect over me   
  
I've taken my blows, and my famous scar   
It's bought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it   
But it's been hard   
Still no-one supposes that I get the blues   
I was given a challenge before the whole of my school   
And I didn't lose   
  
But Ron is a prefect – no fair   
In lessons we might just compare   
Ron is a prefect   
Ron is a prefect   
I won't act the loser   
But Ron is a prefect… over me   
  
Ron is a prefect – no fair   
I wish that I knew why I care   
Ron is a prefect   
Ron is a prefect   
For once, I'm the loser   
'Cause Ron is a prefect…   
  
**HERMIONE:** I didn't hear the rest of that song, but the 'over me' bits sounded like 'Come Together' by the Beatles.   
**RON:** Who are the Beatles?   
**HERMIONE:** We did that joke earlier.   
  
**Scene 4:** The Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, and Order are all at the dinner table. Mundungus and the twins are sniggering about something. The rest of the family/Order are fussing over Ron and Hermione.   
**MUNDUNGUS:** Illegal goods – give me money, Fred and George.   
**FRED & GEORGE:** Begone, rip-off merchant who embodies the word 'dodgy'!   
**MOODY:** Hmm, I spy a boggart._ (Mundungus jumps when he hears Moody speak.)_   
**HERMIONE:** Really? What do they look like?   
**MOODY:** Now that would be telling. Mine happens to look like the inside of a magical chest.   
**HARRY:** Moody's got his eye on you Mundungus.   
**MUNDUNGUS:** _(hurriedly)_ OK, I'll pay you ten Galleons to say you didn't get them from me…   
**MOLLY:** Time for bed, as a famous Muggle cartoon character once said. I'll just go sort out the Boggart.   
_Everyone but Moody and Harry leaves the room._   
**MOODY:** Do you want to see a picture of some people who died in horrific ways?   
**HARRY:** Uh – raincheck…   
_Harry flees the scene. Moody looks bemused._   
**MOODY:** Strange boy.   
  
**Scene 5:** An upper room. The stage is mainly in darkness. Harry stumbles in, and the spotlight falls on Ron's dead body. **HARRY:** Ron! But you're downstairs…   
_The lights raise. Molly appears. She is crying._   
**MOLLY:** Riddikulus!   
_She repeats the phrase again and again, and each time the body changes to a different member of the Weasley family – then finally, Harry's body._   
**HARRY:** Mrs. Weasley – get out of here! Let someone else –   
_Enter Remus and Sirius, closely followed by Moody._   
**REMUS:** What's going on?   
_He looks at Harry and the body._   
**REMUS:** Riddikulus!   
_The body turns into a silvery orb – then vanishes. Molly cries harder._   
**REMUS:** Molly – it's all right – just a Boggart…   
_The Chorus of Readers enter – they sing to the tune of 'She is leaving' by the Beatles (from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band)._   
**READERS:** Molly's mourning – the future's bleak as the war begins   
Seeing her children seem dead on the floor   
Clutching the hope they will get through the war   
We have known there is a risk in   
Fighting for our beliefs   
Quietly crying – no one can see   
Wishing they all could be free   
  
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** Tell me we'll all make it through   
**ALL:** Is fleeting –   
**MOLLY:** Please tell me what I should do   
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** I don't want to go without saying goodbye   
**REMUS:** Life's passing through, and we have to make do with our few brief years   
**READERS:** Bye, bye   
  
Percy's gone, for they argued and he would not back down   
Ties with his parents he'll not repair   
Living alone as a man of affairs   
She thinks how the lies come from Fudge   
Had stopped them from going on   
How could he treat them so thoughtlessly?   
Would they remain enemies?   
  
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** He always thought we were wrong   
**ALL:** Is fleeting –   
**MOLLY:** Why can't we all get along?   
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** We struggled hard to help Percy get by   
**REMUS:** Life's passing through, and we have to make do with our few brief years   
**READERS:** Bye, bye   
  
Comes the morning, she's dreamt their death is not far away   
Voldemort's caused them all so much pain   
Wait for the end of his evil's reign   
  
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** We'll see it through to the end   
**ALL:** Is fleeting –   
**MOLLY:** This broken world we must mend   
**ALL:** Life –   
**MOLLY:** Life is one more thing that money can't buy   
**ALL:** We'll take the chance, we'll be taking a stance against Voldemort   
**READERS:** Bye, bye   
**ALL:** Life's passing through, bye bye.   
  
_End of Act Three._   
  
**HARRY:** Thanks for that, as if I wasn't depressed enough.   
**AUTHOR:** What?   
**HARRY:** _(Sarcastically)_ Really cheerful stuff – _The Wall_ and _She is Leaving_ – and happy lines like 'I am a loser', 'our few brief years' and other optimistic sentiments. You've really made me feel good about myself, Indigo.   
**AUTHOR:** It's Ziona actually, but hey. Come on, I had to work hard to get any humour into this act at all. Humour, reassurance that we don't all vanish when we die, amusing magazine articles and all that jazz, come later with Luna Lovegood and her unique view of life.   
**HARRY:** But until then I have to sit around depressed waiting for it.   
**AUTHOR:** You could sing a song to keep yourself occupied. Isn't there a song you can sing on such occasions?   
**HARRY:** Er, well, I… I, er, well…   
**AUTHOR:** Yes?   
_Harry sighs._   
**HARRY:** All right… _(to the tune of 'Tomorrow' from _Annie_)_   
The fun'll come out the next act   
Bet you your last Sickle it's the best act   
So far   
  
Keep thinking about the next act   
Though I've not had chance to read an extract   
Luna stars   
  
When I'm stuck with a scene that's mean and measly   
I just give it my best, then rest, and say… Oh…   
  
The fun'll come out, the next act   
So we'll have to wait until the next act   
Come what may   
The next act, the next act, it might be the best act   
It's just an update away   
  
_The rest of the cast rushes in._   
**ARTHUR:** Let's all sing! Molly, start singing!   
**MOLLY:** But I can't sing!   
**ARTHUR:** We discovered that earlier. Sing everyone! Bitch queens from hell too, Umbridge – sing!   
_For once all the cast lay aside their differences, and focus on their mutual hope that I'll bring out some actual humour next act._   
**ALL:** The fun'll come out the next act   
Bet you your last Sickle it's the best act   
So far   
  
Keep thinking about the next act   
Though we've not had chance to read an extract   
Luna stars   
  
**FUDGE:** It's the Minister of Magic!   
When I'm stuck with a trial that's vile and lousy   
And I can't condemn – what then? I'll say… Oh…   
  
**ALL:** The fun'll come out, the next act   
So we'll have to wait until the next act   
Come what may   
The next act, the next act, it might be the best act   
It's just an update away! 

_**Author notes:** Citations: 'You yankin' my crank' comes from the film Hotshots Part Deux. 'Uh, raincheck' was most probably inspired by Bruce Almighty. Anything after the words 'to the tune of' does not belong to me. They belong to Pink Floyd, Grease, Frank Sinatra, Queen, the Beatles and Annie, as well as other associated people._

Thanks to everyone who reviewed:Kemenran - glad you like it :)  
isadora quagmire - hehe, I'm flattered, and I'm glad you like the Eagles because I certainly do :)  
totallystellar - hehe, like your eyepatch smiley and I'm glad you like it. AgiVega's yahoo group, the green flame torch, sparked the discussion on thirteen at dinner... Some people are really observant (alas, not me).  
Lanc - hehe, I like your idea of using 'I'm going slightly mad'. I'm glad you liked the ideas and I hope that there are more familiar songs in this chapter for you :)  
SummerRainForever - hiya! good to see you here as always :)  
sea-my-eyes - thanks for reviewing even though the songs are unfamiliar to you. Glad you like it!  
Madame Plot Bunnie - great name! thanks very much and hugs   
lady-daydreamer - thanks for the review, and don't worry bout the shameless plug - I don't mind if the plug is relevent (I hate general 'please read my fics', but since yours was a parody too...). I have to wonder if your parody inspired my Beauty and the Beast/HP fic, 'Loving a Beast'... if so, thanks very much for the inspiration :D  
Delleve - smiles thank you. I have a few little Snape bits that would fit well in ADI but nowhere near enough material for a new chapter. In any case, if you like Snape you may be satisfied soon...  
Me - thank you, thank you, thank you  
HPBeatles - thanks, and I hope you like the 'She is Leaving' bit.  
CarEtoDreaM - :)  
Braney - hehe, thanks  
Random Beatles Fan - true. But what did you think of the fic?  
Avren - hehe, I've had a suggestion to parody 'Toxic' but it gets in my head and I dislike it so much I doubt that Britney is ever going to make it in this fic. I'm glad you like it. I generally go with whatever inspires me but I'll try to keep with stuff that people know...Incidentally, I've written more song parodies that you can find on my profile page... you don't have to read them, obviously, but if you like parodies, there are some there and also see home. att. net/ coriolan (remove spaces) which has HP filks by lots of authors! 


	4. Act 4

**ACT FOUR**

_Please note that in the first song of this act, OWLs should be sung 'Oh dubya ells' if you want it to scan…  
_  
**Scene 1:** 12 Grimmauld Place.  
**NARRATOR:** The time has come for our friends to return to Hogwarts. Chaos reigns at 12 Grimmauld Place.  
**FRED:** _(checking the luggage)_ EXTENDABLE EARS!  
**GEORGE:** CHECK!  
**MRS. BLACK:** EXCREMENT! HALF-BREEDS!  
**GINNY:** RON, HAVE YOU SEEN PIGWIDGEON?  
**FRED:** SKIVING SNACKBOXES AND CANARY CREAMS!  
**GEORGE:** CHECK!  
**MOODY:** WHERE'S PODMORE?  
**MRS. BLACK:** SCUM! CREATURES OF DIRT!  
**ARTHUR:** TWO SUGARS AND MILK PLEASE!  
**HERMIONE:** HEDWIG! HEDWIG, OVER HERE!  
**FRED:** CHOCOLATE TEAPOTS!  
**RON:** HARRY, WAKE UP!  
**MRS. BLACK: **PUSTULES! BOILS! SCAB-RIDDEN VERMIN!  
**GEORGE:** CHECK!  
_The twins' cases knock Ginny over._  
**MOLLY:** RIGHT! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!  
**HARRY:** WHAT ON EARTH'S GOING ON?  
**NARRATOR:** TIME FOR A SONG!  
  
_(To the tune of 'Homeward Bound' by Simon and Garfunkel)_  
**RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE:  
**We're going to the railway station  
And Hogwarts is our destination  
We're going back to learn new spells  
And play the pranks that Zonko's sells  
Sitting our O.W.L.s  
It's time to say our fond farewells  
  
Hogwarts bound  
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound  
School! Where there's trolls escaping  
School! Where there's Quidditch-playing  
School! Where there's Snape's berating  
Moodily at me…  
  
**HARRY:** There's practice with the Quidditch team  
We'll win again and reign supreme  
**HERMIONE:** Those books don't look too good to me  
They're plainly written to appease  
**RON:** Go and get your head fixed, please  
What matters is we'll finally be…  
  
**RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE:  
**Hogwarts bound  
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound  
School! There are magic creatures  
School! There are loony teachers  
School! All those special features  
Waiting there for me…  
  
The hat will sing its song again  
We eat the feast and meet our friends  
All the Hogwarts sights we'll see  
The squid and great old whomping tree  
Spells and camaraderie  
Remind me why I long to be…  
  
Hogwarts bound  
We'll finally be Hogwarts bound  
**HARRY:** School! For the Dark Lord fighting!  
**HERMIONE:** School! For the essay-writing!  
**RON:** School! All the food's delighting  
Waiting there for me…  
  
**RON, HARRY AND HERMIONE:** Waiting there for me…  
  
_Enter Sirius in dog form._  
**MOLLY:** FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE SIRIUS, DUMBLEDORE SAID NO! Oh, sorry, I didn't realise we'd finished the shouting. Well, off to King's Cross with us!  
  
**Scene 2:** The Hogwarts Express.  
  
**HARRY:** Let's go find some seats.  
**HERMIONE:** Er, actually Ron and I have to do and do cliquey prefect stuff.  
**RON:** But once our Percy-like activities are over, we'll come and find you.  
**HARRY:** Oh. Right.  
**GINNY:** _(aside)_ Yes! I finally have him to myself! Bwahahahahahahahaha! Time to work my feminine magic on him!  
_(Enter Michael Corner)_  
**MICHAEL:** Hi Ginny – meet you at Hogwarts?  
**GINNY:** Yeah, sure.  
_(Exit Michael Corner)_  
**GINNY:** Damn. Anyway, come on, Harry, let's find a seat…  
_(Enter Neville Longbottom)_  
**NEVILLE:** Ginny! I can't find a seat! _(aside)_ Yes! I finally have my second favourite potential love-interest to myself! Bwahahahaha…  
**HARRY:** Oh, hi Neville.  
**NEVILLE:** Damn. I mean, hi Harry.  
_They go into a compartment to be confronted by a huge upside-down magazine with legs and a hat with corks, giggling manically.  
_**NEVILLE:** Er – I…  
**GINNY:** Oh, it's just Luna Lovegood.  
_Luna lowers her magazine.  
_**LUNA:** People call me Loony. I have no idea why…  
**NEVILLE:** Anyway… look at this plant I got for my birthday, at the end of July, as will become an important plot point later.  
**HARRY:** Er, pardon?  
**NEVILLE:** Mimbulus mimbletonia!  
  
_(Pretty much in the style of 'Da doo' from Little Shop of Horrors)  
_**GINNY & LUNA:** Da doo  
**NEVILLE:** My Great Uncle Algie was in Assyria this year  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Shoop da doo  
**NEVILLE:** He was going to get me some kind of rare gift  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Gift for you  
**NEVILLE:** He was going to buy me an antique magical carpet  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Good as new  
**NEVILLE:** But he knows that strange plants are my hobby  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Da da da da da da doo!  
  
**HARRY: **Well that's very nice Neville, but I want to ask…  
**GINNY & LUNA:** What's it do?  
**NEVILLE:** If you just give it a little poke with a quill  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Poke it true  
**NEVILLE:** And suddenly…  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Da doo  
_Neville pokes.  
_**NEVILLE:** Without warning you get  
**ALL:** Covered in smelly stinksap!  
**NEVILLE:** It spurts right out, covering everything and it smells like something out of this world!  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Like poo…  
_Enter Cho Chang.  
_**HARRY: **_(aside)_ And now Cho's come in, and I look like a loser…  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Chang for you  
**CHO:** Hi Harry – things going badly for you?  
**GINNY & LUNA:** If you knew…  
_Exit Cho Chang.  
_**HARRY:** This is the worse possible time ever. Why didn't I sit with cool people instead of mucking around with strange plants and Loony Lovegood?  
**GINNY:** Look, don't worry – _scourgify_!  
**GINNY & LUNA:** Sha la la, la la la, la la la loo.  
  
**HARRY:** Oh well – wonder when Ron and Hermione will turn up?  
**NARRATOR:** A hour later…  
_Enter Ron and Hermione.  
_**RON:** Dreadful news – Malfoy's a prefect.  
**HARRY:** _(singing)_ Malfoy's a prefect – Malfoy's a prefect! I'm such a loser, Malfoy's a prefect, over me!  
**HERMIONE:** And so is that cow, Pansy Parkinson!  
**LUNA:** _(to the tune of 'Killer Queen')_ Slythie Queen! Dumbfounded, bitchy teen, a trollop with a fearful scream…  
_Everyone stares at Luna._  
**HERMIONE:** Why are you singing?  
**LUNA:** I was singing?  
**RON:** I'll give Goyle lines! Watch my incredibly great impression of him!  
_Luna falls about in hysterical laughter.  
_**RON:** I haven't done it yet.  
**LUNA:** You're so funny!  
**RON:** OK… I'm confused…  
  
_To the tune of 'Lola' by the Kinks.  
_**RON: **I met her on the train out from old King's Cross   
Where I needed somewhere to sit and munch on my tuna  
T-U-N-A Tuna  
  
She was sitting on a seat with a puzzled frown  
At the magazine she held upside down, her name was Luna  
L-U-N-A Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna  
  
Well, I'm not the world's most intelligent guy,   
But I thought she was mad when I looked in her eyes  
Oh that Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna  
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand  
Why her wand's on her ear and not in her hand  
Oh that Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.  
  
Well, I said hello and her eyes were bright  
Though popping out like in fright  
I made a joke, she laughed outrageously  
She said, "Ronny-boy, that's so funny…"  
  
Well I'm not the world's most belligerent guy  
But when I looked in her eyes  
Well I almost swiped at that Luna  
Lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.  
  
Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.  
  
I looked her way. Her hat had corks.  
I felt like a dork. I turned to Hermione  
I looked at her, and she at me.  
  
**HERMIONE:** Well she looks mad, I do have to say  
And the Quibbler's rubbish they all do say, don't they Luna.  
Lu-lu-lu-lu Luna  
  
**RON:** I'll be headboy and she'll be headgirl  
It's sorted, shaped-up, normal world  
Except for Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.  
  
Well I left home just an hour before  
And I never ever met the woman before  
Luna smiled, looking pleased and glad  
I thought, "Ronny-boy, she'll make your life mad."  
  
Well I'm not the world's most brilliant brain  
But I know what I am and I bet that I'm sane  
Not like Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna, lu-lu-lu-lu Luna.  
  
**LUNA:** My father's the editor of the Quibbler.  
**HERMIONE:** Oh – I – er…  
_Enter Draco Malfoy._  
**DRACO:** Ah, Potter! You feel such a loser – Ron is a prefect over you.  
**HARRY:** Have you been spying on me?  
**DRACO:** Me? Of course not. Why would you suggest I would do such a _black_ thing? At Hogwarts I'll certainly _dog_ your footsteps, and _hound _you out after every mistake but you can't be _sirius_ about me wanted to spy on your nauseating private life.  
_Exit Draco Malfoy._  
**HARRY:** Is it me, or is Malfoy hinting something?  
**RON:** What? Come on Hermione, more prefect duty beckons…  
  
**Scene 3:** Hogsmeade station.  
  
**GRUBBLY-PLANK:** First years, this way!  
**HARRY:** Where's Hagrid?  
**GINNY:** Don't know.  
_They approach the horseless coaches. The ones that have weird reptilian horselike things on them.  
_**HARRY:** What are they?  
**RON:** What?  
**HARRY:** The horse things.  
**RON:** What horse things?  
**HARRY:** Those horse things!  
**RON:** Where?  
**HARRY:** There.  
**RON:** Where?  
**HARRY:** Can't you see them?  
**RON:** Can't I see what?  
_To the tune of 'Wind beneath my wings' by Bette Midler.  
_**HARRY:** Look at those things there in the shadows  
No pupils on that dragon face  
Purest black coat with moonlight shines  
Pulling us all along behind  
  
To me they appear to be quite gory  
They don't seem to have a trace of flesh  
The skeletal creatures in a train  
I think I might be going insane  
  
Tell me that you can see these horses  
They can't be things that only I see  
They're really looking strange and eerie  
These horses with black leather wings  
  
**LUNA:** I can see them. I've always been able to.  
**HARRY:** I'm not sure the answer I was hoping for.  
  
**Scene 4:** The Great Hall.  
_Hordes of students pour in. The teachers are already seated. Our Gryffindor friends go to sit down.  
_**HARRY:** Hagrid's not here.  
**RON:** He can't have left…  
**HERMIONE:** But who's that?  
_The spotlight lands on Umbridge, who is whispering into Dumbledore's ear.  
_**HARRY:** Umbridge!  
**RON: **How do you know her name?  
**HARRY:** I don't know – the only time it was mentioned in Act Three, Dumbledore didn't say who he was talking about.  
**RON:** Weird.  
**HARRY:** Anyway, she works for Fudge.  
**HERMIONE:** There must be a reason why she's here, allow me to use my brilliant brain…  
_Enter Professor McGonagall with the Sorting Hat. They are followed by the chorus of readers.  
_**HERMIONE:** And who are they?  
**RON:** I don't know, but they've been following us around everywhere.  
_Professor Flitwick takes a seat by a handy grand piano. The first years shuffle in. A hush descends._  
_The Sorting Hat sings. Flitwick plays. The chorus of readers do some crazy dancing.   
(To the tune of 'Losing my religion' by REM)_  
**SORTING HAT: **Oh times are changing  
Changing this school  
And I am not free  
The ritual I must go through  
Divisions must arise  
The feuds are all too much  
So break them up  
  
Slytherin and Gryffindor  
Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff  
I'm choosing by tradition  
Trying to keep uniting you  
Yet I don't know if I can do it  
The Founders asked too much  
I stand with Hufflepuff  
  
They thought they were friends forever  
They thought it would never fail  
So how can such great friendships die?  
  
Every first year  
In every new September  
I'm choosing your division  
Taking a peek inside of you  
Try to make peace in this school  
The feuds are all too much  
So break them up  
  
Consider this, consider this  
The danger of the Sorting  
Consider this  
The faults that brought us to duels prevailed  
What if all our emnities make Hogwarts tumble down?  
They are all too much  
  
They thought they were friends forever  
They thought it would never fail  
So how can such great friendships die?  
  
Founders' broken dreams   
Unity just dreams?  
  
The sly and courageous  
The clever and loyal ones  
I'm choosing by tradition  
Trying to keep uniting you  
Yet I don't know if I can do it  
The Founders asked too much  
I stand with Hufflepuff  
  
They thought they were friends forever  
They thought it would never fail  
So how can such great friendships die?  
  
Founders' broken dreams  
Try, defy, try  
Founders' broken dreams  
Just a dream, just a dream  
  
_Applause._  
**RON:** Branched out a bit this year, hasn't it?  
**HARRY: **You're telling me – the dancers, the piano, the repeating refrains…  
**RON:** Actually I meant the lyrics.  
**HARRY:** Oh, right.  
_Enter Narrator. He/She starts shuffling first years out of the way.  
_**NARRATOR: **Come on, sit down – this bit's boring anyway. (Turning to the audience) So the Sorting was accomplished from Abercrombie, Euan to Zellar, Rose, and they all ate lots of food…  
**RON:** Are we going to get any food?  
**NARRATOR:** You just ate it – didn't you hear me say?  
**RON: **I hate showbusiness.  
**NARRATOR:** Would the pupils of Hogwarts heed the Sorting Hat's warnings? Or would the feuds continue? By and by, Dumbledore rose for further announcements.  
**DUMBLEDORE:** The usual notices – all students are reminded that the Forbidden Forest is strictly out of bounds. Magic in corridors is still prohibited, as Mr. Filch would like to remind you. We are delighted to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank, who will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures – also to welcome Professor Umbridge, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Tryouts for Quidditch teams…  
_Umbridge gets up.  
_**UMBRIDGE:** Hem, hem!  
**NARRATOR:** Ugh – she sets my teeth on edge! Time to get out of here… _(Narrator flees)_  
_To the tune of 'Sympathy for the Devil' by the Rolling Stones._  
**UMBRIDGE: **Please allow me to introduce myself  
I'm a woman who holds much sway  
I've been working for the Ministry  
And that's the reason I'm here today  
  
And I'll be 'round when Dumbledore  
Decides to make any change  
Make damn sure that lessons  
Are wandless reading I'll arrange  
  
Pleased to meet you  
Hope we'll all be friends  
And what means I may use  
Will be justified by my ends  
  
I'll stick around inquiring here  
And report anything that seems strange  
Let's be loyal to the Minister  
If not, it may cause you pain  
  
I write the notes  
And cast all the votes  
When the liars cry  
You'll hear me gloat  
  
Pleased to meet you  
Hope we'll all be friends  
And what means I use  
Will be justified by my ends  
  
_At this point, the Chorus of Readers start singing 'Hem hem' over and over again.  
_  
**UMBRIDGE:** I'll stop half-breeds  
Their perverted greeds  
Will drop our grades  
This is my crusade  
  
I'll single out  
All those who tell lies  
I'm watching out  
That boy with green eyes  
  
Please allow me to introduce myself  
I'm a woman who holds much sway  
I lay the traps for the problem boys  
Who'll be caught without more delay  
  
_The rather energetic solo is punctuated by the whole school drifting to sleep.  
_  
**UMBRIDGE:** Pleased to meet you  
Hope we'll all be friends  
And what means I may use  
Will be justified by my ends  
  
Just as heroes are all criminals  
So are all who don't agree  
As boys tell lies  
I'm the inquisitor  
And you will obey my firm decree  
  
So when I teach you  
Show some courtesy  
Show obedience and fear  
Read the books I'm prescribing you  
For there is no "danger" near  
  
Pleased to meet you  
Hope we'll all be friends  
And what means I may use  
Will be justified by my ends  
  
Tell me Albus, what's my game?  
Tell me Harry, what's my game?  
Tell me Albus, what's my game?  
I tell you liars, you're to blame.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE:** Er – thank you, Professor Umbridge, that was most illuminating.  
**HERMIONE:** Yes, it certainly was.  
**HARRY:** Do you mean the way that she implied the Ministry will be interfering and meddling, she hates me and denies that Voldemort has returned?  
**HERMIONE:** Harry, honestly, you're not supposed to quite realise that yet. Making insightful comments is my job. Actually I meant that the author implies that Umbridge is evil by having her sing for the Devil, as it were. Oh, and Umbridge appears to be a Rolling Stones fan.  
**RON:** Who are the…  
**HERMIONE:** Don't even think about it. Well, we should get back to the Gryffindor tower… First years! Over here!  
_The first years head towards the trio.  
_**HARRY:** Hello!  
**BOY NEXT TO EUAN ABERCROMBIE:** Look, a weirdo!  
**EUAN ABERCROMBIE:** Aaaah!  
**HARRY:** O woe is me.  
_Exeunt all stage left, except for two standing stage right.  
_**J.K. ROWLING:** So why did you decide to make Hermione the resident classic rock expert in your musical?  
**AUTHOR: **Well, since you made her an encyclopedia of spells, and Steve Kloves elevated her to the position of absolute source of knowledge on every single magical topic in existence, I thought she might as well become the resident music expert…  
  
**Scene 5:** By the Fat Lady.  
  
_Harry is alone._  
**HARRY:** What's the password?  
_Enter Neville._  
**NEVILLE:** I know! Mimbulus Mimbletonia!  
_Enter Ginny and Luna.  
_**GINNY & LUNA:** Da doo!  
**HARRY: **Luna, you're in Ravenclaw.  
**LUNA:** I was just passing through.  
**FAT LADY:** Are you coming in, or what?  
**HARRY:** Sorry.  
  
**Scene 6:** The boys' dormitory.  
  
_Seamus is dancing around, singing to the tune of 'Mama told me not to come' by Randy Newman, or possibly Tom Jones, which was recorded by Three Dog Night and could have been done by Stereophonics and probably a whole ton of other people.  
_**SEAMUS:** She's got a beehive in her bonnet – Prophet told her, see  
Bout all these crazy stories you're telling me  
They say they're the most truthless things could ever be  
She says you and Dumbledore speak lunacy  
  
My mam told me to stay home  
My mam told me to stay home  
She said, "That's not a school you can trust, son."  
  
**HARRY:** Fire up your brain cell, let some thought into that skull  
I think you must be joking, your mum's surely not that dull  
And your speeches are provoking, but your ears must be deaf  
Fire up your brain cell, give your brain some breath  
  
Your mam must be really dumb  
Your mam must be really dumb  
She says "That Dumbledore you can't trust, son,  
That Dumbledore you can't trust, son."  
  
They fight until Ron comes in.  
  
**RON:** Some argument is blasting, what are you lot fighting for?  
**SEAMUS:** He's getting at my mother, he said some things I can't ignore  
**HARRY:** She says I'm a liar, never been so shocked before  
**RON:** Detention is coming if you say any more  
  
_Harry and Seamus respond by singing their respective choruses loudly over each other.  
_  
**RON:** Oh well.  
_He starts to sing very loudly.  
_**RON:** The fun'll come out, the next act  
Bet you your last Sickle it's the best act  
So far…  
  
_Harry and Seamus stop singing. They both punch Ron, who shuts up.  
_  
**SEAMUS:** Nice one!  
**HARRY:** You're telling me…  
  
_End of Act Four.  
_  
_Citations: Homeward Bound belongs to Simon and Gunfunkel. Da doo belongs to the guys who own Little Shop of Horrors. Lola belongs to the Kinks. Killer Queen belongs to Queen. Wind beneath my wings belong to Bette Midler. Losing my religion belongs to REM. Sympathy for the Devil belongs to the Rolling Stones. Mama told me not to come belongs to Randy Newman and a whole load of other people. J.K. Rowling definitely belongs to herself. That little 'Little Shop of Horrors' moment was inspired by Don't feed the plants by Arielle, a Slytherin over on (http :www .riddikulus .org/authors/aaslytherin/DFPpro. html). Oh yes, and some of the lines in this act and musical in general should be credited to J.K. Rowling. Because she rocks, and besides, she pretty much wrote them._

_Thank you to my kind reviewers:_

_**Fiona: **Dumbledore tells Sirius to gather to go and find 'the old crowd' in Goblet of Fire. His list includes Remus Lupin, Mundungus Fletcher and Arabella Figg. Thanks for you review!_

_**Curlycurlz: **An LOTR musical? That would be fun... Don't abandon the idea. Thanks for the review._

_**SummerRainForever: **Thanks, and it's nice to hear from you._

_**Megan the Phantom Girlie: **Hehe, thanks. I know a few people liked the Dementor song, so I'll have to re-use it somewhere else... Unfortunately I don't know much from Les Miserables - I really should see it._

_**ickle-helena: **It's nice to hear from you again! Thanks for singing along, it's nice to know someone's enjoying it properly :D Also you're the first person to compliment the Summer Nights and Beautiful Neighbourhood songs, thanks very much!_

_**Neytari Took: **Thanks a lot... Tomorrow gets stuck in my head too._

_**Hekate 101: **Hi there... sorry I scared you..._

_**Digga Digga: **Thanks very much!_

_Please review. I'll be heartily grateful :)_


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